The Soundtrack of My Life, Part II

Buying a new CD is always an interesting study of my mental state. The song that will most often jump out at me as my instant "favorite" is the one that pertains most closely to my life's situation at the time. Somehow, that one song always just reaches out and grabs me, and I have to listen to it until I have every single word memorized and can belt it out with the proper depth of feeling. That very thing happened to me this week when I first started listening to the soundtrack from the musical "Wicked." Although I was initially drawn to the CD by the snappy little tune of "What is this Feeling?", it was the poignant lyrics and melancholy melody of "I'm Not That Girl" that kept me clicking the backtrack button on my CD player. The lyrics are as follows:

Hands touch, eyes meet
Sudden silence, sudden heat
Hearts leap in a giddy whirl
He could be that boy,
but I'm not that girl

Don't dream too far
Don't lost sight of who you are
Don't remember that rush of joy
He could be that boy
But I'm not that girl

Every so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been
But that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in

Blithe smile, lithe limb
She who's winsome, she wins him
Gold hair with a gentle curl
That's the girl he choose
And heaven knows,
I'm not that girl

Don't wish, don't start
Wishing only wounds the heart
I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl
There's a girl I know, and he loves her so
But I'm not that girl.

It seems that my life so far has been an unbreakable pattern of me not being "that girl." This is very difficult for someone who has actually been waiting to fall in love since the first grade. Everyone tells me to wait, to be patient-he's out there. And maybe he is. But if he isn't, how can I go about convincing myself that "I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl?" I certainly don't want to spend my whole life wishing for something that is never going to happen.
(Editors note: I'm laughing at myself just a little bit right now because sometimes I think I sound like I'm 54 instead of 24.)

I don't even mind being single that much, most of the time. I have about the most amazing friends that I could possibly wish for. The problem is, I long to love that one someone so much that I have given my heart away to several people who didn't actually want it. Each time I have been rejected has left me with a more deeply held belief that I am, for some reason, unlovable, or at least, undatable. My heart has been wounded so many times that I almost wish it would stop bouncing back. I have sworn off romantic love more times than I can count. I've tried to remember that "wishing only wounds the heart." I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of feeling that for some reason I don't measure up. But as a friend reminded me last night, I am choosing to feel that way, and that is the only part of this situation that I actually have the power to change.

I wish I could put up a wall around my heart that can only be broken by that one right person. The only problem is, that is not at all who I am. I love easily and recklessly. It takes only about a minute to convince me that you are worthy of my affections and years to convince me you are not. Maybe that scares people. But love it or leave it, that is who I am, and I doubt that I will ever change. I can only hope and pray that someday someone will show up who truly appreciates my reckless love, and that he will instantly make me forget that I have ever been hurt. Until that day, I will just have to accept the fact that I'm not "that girl." And that's ok, because the girl who I am is still pretty fabulous. ;-)